how long can you really lose yourself until you hear that maniac inside laughing at the pitiful black hole that you’ve been hiding in. sometimes it seems like life is a constant cycle of moving between two distinct states of being — bottomless, blue depression and the sharp, red edges of anxiety. sometimes i can’t tell what’s real anymore. my mind or the world outside telling me i’m a failure.

all the experts like to talk about hormones nowadays. so i tried everything to balance these chemical processes to trick my body into thinking it’s in a state of bliss and balance — sync with your cycle, no caffeine or sugar, no eating after the sun goes down, no eating before 1pm, sleep in pitch black, soak your body in a hot bath of magnesium flakes, don’t expose yourself to blue light afer 8pm, no alcohol or drugs. the list goes on and on. i dive headlong into trying to fix myself until I successfully create an entirely new problem.

what they don’t tell you is that you’re not going to get anywhere with these practices if the environment surrounding you is riddled with unease. so, recently i just decided to give up. i guess you could call this the depressed phase. or you could call it the return to america phase. since i moved back to new york city, i’ve noticed myself consumed by survival instincts. i have to remind myself to breath while walking on the sidewalks. the sounds and smells that fill the city are foul and sour the senses. yet simultaneously there is a great awe that circles this space. the marvel of human ingenuity and curiosity.

all the stimulation leaves me in a perpetual state of exhaustion. i find it hard to feel my heart and even harder to locate myself within the grand scope of it all. sometimes before i slip into sleep i see the outline of taiwan. i smell the incense burning at the temple and i hear the trees speaking to me. i remember how soft and sweet it felt to be bound by nothing and held by nobody but myself. these days my mind and my heart fight and negotiate their terms until i don’t want to hear it anymore, so i turn on my computer and numb out the options. i’ve been torn between two places my entire life and recently i’ve chosen to exist in none. i’m shedding something as i wade through questions and answers. i know there will be a light soon. where do you find yourself recently? ///