I asked the universe for a Porsche and it picked me up in one.
Dark navy blue, two-door hatchback.
But when my body touched its soft leather seat I immediately wanted to go back to sleep.
Lethargic from the character I had to become for this exchange, and the meaning that was getting lost in translation.
I felt myself dissociating as it carried me through the streets of Taipei.
A spitting image of what I had asked for just days before.
I watched my mind as it moved from the present to a space where ease and freedom and joy come from being accompanied by a true lover.
I’m constantly plagued by a desire for the things out of reach, and out of my class. I had to have been a princess in a past life. Now stripped of my title and the comforts, the utter privilege to witness luxury all around me without having to work for it.
Since I was a little girl I always stared into the homes that could never be mine. 30 years later and it’s the same - Staring, observing, wondering, from the outside like some invisible creature from the other side. Never capable of being the one inside. Inside the group, inside the car, inside the admiring gaze, inside the home.
But today I was inside. And from the inside it only made the void I felt from the outside feel even more bottomless and bewildering. ///