— notes from koh phangan
/ sometime between february to april 2025
— 1. february 19
Floating in a cloud of blue and white. Stretching and accelerating my body: with each move I deepen into the process of my soul and the oldest parts of myself. The ocean has no sound but it is always there, just like me. Even when I wish I could disappear into the void, I am here and there at the same time. Walking into a cloud of euphoria. This is my existence that holds me. This is the reality that I create. Foreign voices and deep tremors. Watching the back of you. Listening to newness being built while wondering how to protect the sacred.
The reality changes when I change direction and choose the truth. The day is light gray-blue. A soft wind blows through the morning and there is a lightness in the way the birds sing. Two years ago I was in New York freezing in the cold and asking to be taken away. Right now there are surfers in Uluwatu waking up to meet the waves. There are lovers waking up to meet each other’s eyes. I never felt this way before. Swerving between different roles and moods and climates and moments while maintaining ease and joy.
The natural inclination to fall into you and fall into touch, is the natural state of this form. Where the physical body and the ethereal air meet a purpose that has yet to be revealed to me. For now I just enjoy and try to receive and appreciate. Trusting that my way is revealing itself. What if it is just that simple? When I align my intention, my mind, my grace, and my joy. The recipe for the following, the flowing, it all just summons and oozes from my body and forms the creation of this reality.
She arrives adorned in hot pink. She looks like a hibiscus flower beaming in the sunlight. I give her my love because she deserves the whole garden.
The ocean is somewhat more safe from the construction, but actually it is not. There are slight rain clouds that hang over the perfectly new day. I still think about the people and places that I left back home. I still think about them in that house, going around and around. The spirits and the Angels that surround all of us, please hold us in love. Please hold them in safety and grant them the rebirth they deserve. I keep leaving but I promise I'm not trying to leave you. I always go to try and make the life. To make the happy life. The way to the stars and the Heaven and healing the little wounds that cover my skin.
— 2. detox heart (prayer for detox)
Emptying my body is the way to entering my heart.
I clean the cavities of my bones and erase what once was,
as a way to be closer to God and to the Truth.
Even though I am already the Light, my body radiates brighter when I allow the essence of emptiness to caress my organs that hold me as human.
In the absence of sustenance I become air, and the wind carries my body to places that I tried to silence with substance.
Detox heartbeat plays like a soft drum.
I soften, I strengthen.
Emptying, emptying, emptying until I am nothing again.
— 3. Fary
First I see her hands. Long nails grasp a glass jar of brown liquid that matches the color of her skin. Dark brown like melted chocolate. She leans in with loving interest and it is hard to look away. Pristine beauty to match a heart of grace.
She says she comes from trauma but you could never tell. Her heart transcends the physical world to move me into the lightness of all the goddesses that come before her. Shakti, Guan Yin, Aphrodite, Fary.
Fary tells me to know myself. To know what I deserve and to stand firm in my boundaries. I meet her with a shattered heart and an empty stomach and her presence inspires me to return home to myself.
Fary says, “emotions are doorways to different dimensions.” Her words land softly with a romantic wisdom that allows the knowledge to seep into me like a warm bath.
Fary does not force, she lets it flow. And the universe around her responds lovingly to her surrender.
Fary connects us all and plants the seeds of her garden to sprout like the Earth intended - to grow effortlessly and naturally and to bloom as big as we can be.
I see Fary floating down the highway. The night sky wraps her like a nest as she moves through the space with a soft smile and euphoric eyes. I wonder if she knows how everyone and everything - the moon, the stars, the trees - turn to admire her as she passes by.
There’s masculine, there’s feminine and then there is Fary. Divine light being who knows how to see through the duality of life. If you’re bold enough to sink into her presence, you know it is not only an honor, but a duty: to respect, to protect, to shine your own light brighter to meet the light and the heart, that is Fary.