Somewhere in the sky there is a diamond. Suspended in air, reflecting the light of the ether towards the Earth. Look up and it’s spinning, spinning in the atmosphere. I keep trying to touch it but when my fingers graze the gem the sharp edges draw blood. Red gooey fluid drips from my outstretched hand and falls into my eye. I recoil and cover my face with both hands as the warm substance swims into the crevice of my eye. With eyes clouded I hear echoes of “No” ringing in my ear. They keep telling me “No” but my heart gets louder and louder with every rejection, every disappointment, every time I am not the chosen one. Even when the blood flows from my chest to my finger that opens into scattered flesh, my heart remains intact and in step with the rhythms of what is. 

Somewhere on Earth they are shooting arrows at me. The airborne weapons cast shadows over my head as they descend downward towards a target that isn’t there. The arrows that fly and disappear into the deep blue water and burn before they reach the bottom of this abyss that I sit in. I sit in this space molding the warrior that protects my heart from the doubt and the fear that they attempt to sow into me.

In December, time grows thin and the nights hold me in their quiet translucence. In December I go in and in and in. I am dead to the world like the dormant oak. As my external antenna dulls, my internal senses come online and wake me in the middle of the dark night to tell me: perfect and then renounce, perfect and renounce. Master and detach. Purge and clarify. Remove the dust that has settled in order to create spaciousness to welcome the infinite possibilities that are here. Within your “No” and your doubt, I no longer apologize for my undying openness to the possibilities. I no longer apologize for the current that tethers me to the crystalline light in the sky, or for the hope that radiates from my bloody heart. 

­— This time last year I was so lost within a misaligned relationship, city, and career. I was sick for much of 2023 - my depression got so bad that I went on antidepressants for the first time since university, and I was in and out of the doctor’s office or curled up in the fetal position for half of the month, until I finally got a diagnosis for endometriosis. 

This year is proof to me that so much can change when we do the things that scare us the most. I was terrified to move again, I was terrified to end a relationship with my best friend, I was terrified to keep walking away from the only career that I’ve known. I didn’t want to admit that I was using my physical body as a way to abuse myself, I didn’t want to keep stripping my life of everything that I’ve known to be normal and accepted.

In March of this year I was climbing a mountain in Taipei with tears streaming down my face. I spent so many days just crying and feeling the ending of it all - relationship, city, career, all slowly dissolving before my eyes. But in those moments I think I finally got my heart back by cracking it fully open to the pain of misplaced love and disappointment. 

Once I began returning back to myself, the world cracked open too. I went to Bali and Koh Phangan and back to the U.S., and so many beautiful, loving relationships and experiences flooded into my life. I wonder how long these people and experiences have been circling me, waiting for me to just jump past fear and into trust. 

I wonder how long my body has been waiting for me to just jump past fear and into trust. Slowly I have been healing my physical body as my heart clears. For the first time in years I feel healthy, energized and strong. Healing is possible when we align ourselves with our truth ♥️

Of course I still have so much more to understand. I still have so many scary things left to do. But I’ve been peeling and peeling back the layers of myself since first leaving the U.S. in 2019 and it’s like I’m finally seeing the fruits of my labor. It is crazy to realize that this is the first year of my adult life where I didn’t lose countless days and months to depression or numbing out. After swinging through so many highs and lows, my mind has settled into a state of mostly love and joy. 

This love and joy looks nothing like I was told it would. I don’t have a partner, I don’t have a corporate job, I don’t have a house or a car. I really don’t have anything in the material sense, lol. And guess what, it’s ok. All my life I just wanted to feel the truth of this world. In the absence of this truth I fell further and further into darkness. I’m finally living closer to the light. 

What is that scary thing you have been avoiding doing? What might be on the other side of that resistance? 

If you are reading this, thank you so much and I love you!