Looking into the unknown is the same as looking into infinity. On two sides of this same coin I am transported out of my bubble in North Carolina and back to Bali. I get dropped into the thick, moody, creational force of the island, and sucked into the windstorm of strong energies that this place attracts. It is rainy season in Ubud which means days on end of rainstorms that blanket the lush vegetation growing through every crevice of this jungle town. The weeks oscillate through days of rain and brief moments of moist, hot sunshine. 

Some rain is sorrow, but this isn’t that kind of rain. It is pure feminine feeling dripping from the sky. Not one thing, but everything. A commanding, all-encompassing display of vulnerability that pours rage, destruction, compassion and nourishment in one smooth drench. This rain demands your attention and your worship. 

After the sky has cracked open and poured all her feelings onto her children on the ground, she wipes her tears and pleasures in the aftermath. The aftermath is the goddess basking in cuddles after climax. Her lover is brushing her long hair and she smiles knowing everything can be divined through the swift alignment of her body, mind and intention. What does it feel like to hold such power? The power of creation, manifestation, divination - of capturing and asserting the innate generative force that flips the coin from unknown to infinity. 

I’ve been trying to flip my own coin of luck. It begins with emptying my thoughts of the stories I once believed to be true. Not only of myself, but of everything. Fresh eyes to create fresh realities. Mutating identity and memory and belief is the way to step towards the life I once saw in a distant, longing vision. To step towards the other side of the unknown. 

I move through January blindfolded as I wade through the rushing waters of Bali, and through the deep pools of my own subconscious questioning. Saturated with moisture from the tips of my hair to the bottoms of my wet feet, I am filled and then squeezed out like a human sponge. 

Bali welcomes me into her lush womb and I am the fetus feeding on the abundance of nutrients she provides. Raspberry lips, cacao ceremony, tea the shade of a rose petal, coconut skin, red rice melting between my teeth, fingers stained orange from turmeric. Eccentrics, hippies, outcasts, babies, the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, long-haired European men who emulate Jesus, four witches surrounding the fire on Full Moon after shedding tears together at Kundalini activation.
“I’m going to wait until I finish my vision quest.”
“Society is a mirror for your own process.”
We are all here seeking and mutating together. Colliding into each other in this marketplace as we kneel at the mercy of Mother Bali, waiting to be fed mind, body, and soul. 

Bali leaves no stone unturned in her desire to purify and purge so that new life can grow. I happily absorb her nutrients and then I release drip by drip. One moment I am sleepwalking blind through the fluids of conception, and the next I am dripping in the mucus of new birth. I squint to see the light of day and all I can do is wonder how I got here. 

Pure hearts never break. They open like a fresh flower that isn’t afraid to die. In this life of constant decay, we can relish in the prediction that we will get to rest in the womb once more when impermanent death comes to claim us. Delighting in the unknown allows for infinite potential to arrive with ease. 

Despite my mind’s desire to instill fear in the one path that feels true, I also keep seeing red petaled flowers and decadent explosions of greenery that come to soothe me. Our Earth is the abundant ground that provides us with everything we need. When I treat my body with the reverence of a precious garden, this care flows back into the regenerative nature of the planet. The space of my mind is the fertile soil where everyday I wake up and get to decide — which reality will I live in? The one where I am tangled in my karma and a projection of an impure world, or the one where I am remembering that Heaven on Earth is here. The more I paint my thoughts red with love, the more my eyes and my existence follow suit.

Safety is no longer something that we can hold. It is a resonance that we embody and take with us wherever we go. I take safety in divining fear of the unknown into trust of infinite potential. My one job is to tone my heart and my body to keep opening and flowering. Pure hearts never break. They open onward and outward, moving with a porous blade that cuts through the debris of illusion until eventually settling into the little droplets that collect at the edge of infinity.