— september recap
/ october 10, 2024

New York is full of mirrors. Reflections of every spectrum cascade across the sidewalks, the parks, the restaurants, the stores - all full of the aspirations and complications that I pretend not to notice in myself. Before I go outside to gaze into the mirrors, I try to protect myself by building an impenetrable glass box around my aura. Please protect me from any negative entities or energies that want to enter my field. Please deflect anything that will hurt me. I try to be impermeable but reality still seeps in. 

By October 1, after 18 days in New York, all I can do is look inward again and release the tension that has been boiling inside of me. As I have done in the past, I allow the heightened energy of the city to peel away my meditation practice that helps me introspect. The longer I am in the city, the more I get sucked into this energetic rush that bubbles around the island. It takes effort and time each day to cleanse myself of external forces and return to neutral. 

By October 1, the anxiety boils over and I have no choice but to sit and close my eyes. I surrender and allow the totality of the past month to wash over and through me. As tears roll down my cheeks I sit in gratitude, in pain, and in reverence for the experiences that continue to shape me. The feeling of being held in love and generosity from new and old friends. In the pain of holding space for others and neglecting myself. In the beauty that comes with revisiting a place that carries so many memories and lessons.

New York will always be a measure of my own inner progress. It so accurately reflects the current health of my mind and my perspective. Containing such vast contrasts, from overflowing opulence to brutal density, there is a buffet of choices for the mind to latch onto. Two years ago I was consumed by feelings of fear and desolation while living in this city. Afraid of the subway, afraid of the people, afraid of the stimulation. 

This time I noticed myself projecting a more harmonious outlook of the elements. I could flow through the contrasts and not let them overwhelm me to the extent that they have in the past. I even caught myself melting in awe at the grime and dirt that covers the walls of the underground. 

Here are some main themes that came up for me in September:

Instant manifestations: Thoughts become reality more quickly than ever. “Be careful what you wish for” is a phrase that friends say to me many times this month. People, places, experiences, clothes, all materialized within hours or days of me thinking of them, without me having to seek them out, or force their existence. Thank you!!! :) Maybe we are more powerful than we think...

Memory portal: Revisiting this place that holds so much of my former life unlocked memories that needed to be seen and forgiven. Dark memories that involved me trying to soothe through an abuse of drugs and alcohol. I was reminded of the pain, and also the innocence, that went into this perpetuation of self-harm. I was reminded of the people and situations that contributed to this violation of innocence. It’s interesting because I was numb to these memories the past few visits to the city, but this time the memories flooded my mind and I was able to send forgiveness and completion to them. 

Reassurance: New York is a teacher that works through density, pressure, and materialism. September confronts me with people from my past who have grown and changed just like me. Many of them are finding success in the traditional sense. It could be easy for me to latch onto comparison and feel like I did something wrong for leaving this city and renouncing my place in the social hierarchy. But more than anything this month gave me a deep sense of reassurance. Reassurance that I am on my right path. 

No matter how winding and strange it might be, this path has been driven by my intuition, my dreams, and my atma - these sacred tools that have led me to divine revelations and experiences that I used to only daydream about while living in this city. Who are you living for? 

When I go out to gaze into all the beautiful mirrors of New York City, my heart softens at the evolution that has taken place inside of me since I was last here. I can look, I can appreciate, but I can also let go. I can return home to myself and my own mirror, and know that I am also a unique expression of this universal reflection. Sinking into this never-ending light, I have nothing to be afraid of as I move further from the past.